Reflecting Before My Reflection Time

I will be 35 weeks pregnant in just a couple of days and I am getting ready to embark on a spiritual women's retreat. It will most likely be the last time I will have some "me" time for a while so I am very excited. I'm also stressing leaving my daughter since it is the first time I have ever left her for more than a few hours! But i know she is in good hands with her dad and grandma. 

These coming days are for me. For the opportunity to completely surrender to God and make a conscious, not rushed effort to listen to what He wants to share with me. My mom flew in to help me care for my daughter and my husband has made all kinds of schedule and life adjustments to gift this time to me just as he did a few months ago.  

I am looking forward to being able to come back home renewed and inspired and to be able to share my experiences with him. The retreat is sacred and as of this moment, my husband has been unable to really get into what he experienced because I hadn't gone myself. 

So this morning, I pray that I can get out of my own way and allow God to first clear out anything that is not of Him and second to fill me with newfound wisdom and more joy and peace that I have ever experienced before. I want nothing less than full transformation from this weekend. I want to walk out of there a better wife, mother, sister, friend and disciple. 

Here is to GROWTH!

When Our Husbands Disappoint Us

In the evening, my husband and I will lay in bed on our phones. I have decided to fast from Facebook for the month of January, but I am a huge bookworm and read 3 even 4 books on my phone and at a time. I get very curious as to what he reads or is doing on his phone. Mostly because I always wonder where his mind is at. I'm still very much fascinated by what may interest him or has his attention as of late. So...I wondered if he felt the same way. I asked, "do you ever wonder what I am reading." He quickly and swiftly replied, "No. Not really. Do you?" I had to chuckle. He was being completely honest. He literally fell asleep 2 minutes after that conversation while I reeled in anger and disappointment! How could he not wonder about where his wife's thoughts are? How could it not even cross his mind? I admit there are many times where I am reading and I wish he would turn and say, "so what book are you reading? What are you interested in right now?" In other words, share a piece of yourself with me. I still find you interesting. I still value your opinion and want to know where you stand and how you see the world. It not only broke my heart but also disappointed me.

I feel this is something I should share with him. And I am positive he doesn't mean it this way at all. Men usually don't! They just have a different way of looking at things. However, I know in order for me to heal from the hurt this caused I have to 1) confront him and share and 2) pray! Pray to God to allow me to forgive him and release the resentment and anger I am holding based on what I feel was a very insensitive and disinterested manner.

Have you ever felt betrayed or disappointed at a loved ones reaction? Is this a red flag or concern for our marriage? Definitely something to pray about. In fact, maybe I will pray about it with my husband. I also feel that if I want to live a more peaceful existence I need to release my expectations of people. That includes my husband. People are not always going to react how we want them to. And if I live my life that way, I am setting myself up for constant disappointment.

Dear Lord: today I pray to be released from any sin and ill feelings toward my husband. I pray that you open his heart to a renewed curiosity about me. Please God, bless him with hungry eyes for all of me including my mind, body and soul. Help him to see me as a partner, lover, friend and confidant. Heavenly father, I pray that you protect and seal our relationship in a special protection and that you allow me to be the best wife I can be without holding on to resentments toward him even when he may not meet my "expectations".  I pray all this in Jesus; name. Amen. 

Uncertainty: A Time For My Faith In God To Grow

Uncertain times have fallen upon my family. Well, let me back up a bit. We sorted of started it! My husband has been feeling a strong calling from the Lord and after much prayer (and avoidance) he has decided to answer and accept. This meant taking a big leap of faith during a crucial time in our family's chapter as we are about to have another child.

But we both felt comfortable and at ease. We had total faith in our decision and received confirmation in several ways through our church and prayer.

The funny thing is: we had a plan. We still wanted to control the situation and assumed it would work out how we wanted it to work out; with little to no discomfort. Our finances wouldn't be threatened. No one's feelings would be hurt. Everyone involved would be in perfect agreement with our plan to completely shift gears in career and our future as a family. God put a stop to that pretty quick! He reminded us that in order to have COMPLETE faith we had to Let Go and Let God. Not have our version of "complete" faith and say yes to the Lord...but under our conditions. That's not how it works.

It is a reminder that answering God's call in our lives means letting him drive the car and not being a back seat driver as they say. It means living in uncertainty and discomfort sometimes. And we have to be ok there. It's a little exciting but scary. Ever drive down a very dark road. You turn on your long lights but you still can't see more than 20 feet ahead of you? What is coming around the bend? Will I be able to stop in time if I need to?

Writing this provides me with clarity and helps me to remain faithful. First and foremost to God and secondly to my husband whom I support wholeheartedly.

A dear friend and sister in Christ turned to me during Sunday service yesterday and shared a vision and message she received for our family: the said she saw my family standing in front of a thunderously powerful and beautiful waterfall. She said the Lord spoke to her and told her that we were on the right path and stay on course. It would get rocky at times but it was the right path. What a vision! The symbolism of the waterfall to me represents change and strong currents. We visited a waterfall during our Costa Rica vacation last year and it was breathtaking. The sound of the water crashing against the rocks and smoothing them over the course of hundreds and perhaps thousands of years is a perfect representation of what God does in our lives if we allow him to wash over us.

I choose to let Jesus drive. I choose to have complete Faith in His perfect plan for us. And I am turning my uncertainty into excitement. Life is going to get very interesting starting now!

Here are some verses I am reflecting on during these times. If you are currently struggling with uncertainty, be it in your relationships, career, finances or health I hope they bring you comfort as well.

1) Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1:2-4

2) So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you. Deuteronomy 31:6

3) Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

4) God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Psalm 41:1

Everything Is Possible For One Who Believes

First Post After a LONG While!




It's been a really long time since my last post! I have been busy enjoying motherhood, moving to a new city and being a stay at home mom. And we are expecting again! Jagger is now 17 months old and the new baby will be here in just a few weeks.

Since our move to the Tampa area we have really plugged into a small great little church and our faith and commitment to God has grown tremendously. I have made some amazing friends. Friends that share in our beliefs, have similar life circumstances and aren't judgemental at all. I am so grateful for this. Part of being a SAHM while your husband works long house is a bit of loneliness. Making friends quickly has really helped me keep a strong perspective on things. That's not to say that I don't feel isolated at times. Everyone has their own lives, responsibilities and schedules to keep. But it has made a huge difference knowing I can reach out to a number of different ladies if and when I need to.

There are a lot of changes going on in my family. Things I never really imagined would happen. Changes in work, relationships, spiritual life. These posts are mostly for me. I am pretty sure I don't have many readers but there is something therapeutic about putting my thoughts down. Some extra way to help my mind, body and soul process what is going on in my life. So I am committing to journaling or "blogging" more this year. I refuse to put extra pressure on myself! But, I am hoping the Holy Spirit will fill me with the fire I need to take some quiet time for myself amidst the new baby, toddler and all the beautiful mess that comes with raising small children and managing a household.

The Language of Love

The past 2 months have been incredible. At 36, I find myself a mom again. This time has been completely different than when I was just a young 20 years old. I'm an entirely different person. The experiences and spiritual journey have transformed me. I continue to grow daily with the help of my children.

There is a common saying: children don't come with manuals. While that's true, you can find a ton of books on the subject of parenting. Most books emphasize the importance of speaking to your baby. Language is crucial, they say. Speak to your baby and engage him/her. And while this is true and especially important, the moments of silence between my daughter and I have been transcendental for me.

In the moments of quiet and stillness shared with my daughter in my arms, she will look up at me and we will stare at each other for minutes at a time. She inspects all the features of my face and smiles this sweet, calm smile that brings life full circle.

The language of love goes beyond words. In these moments, my heart skips a beat and I feel so much love for her and for the moment, that tears come to my eyes. We are telling each other we love each other without having to say the words.

Today, take a moment to be still and find the love that exists all around you. Find the place where words are not necessary and live there.

My Hypnobirthing Experience

On June 9, 20105, at about 11am, I my water broke. It wasn’t a gushing of water you usually hear about or see in the movies, but it was enough for me to know something was definitely happening. I had just spoken to Joe about how he was going to be doing something after work and wouldn’t be home until later. I called him and told him it was “go time”. I could immediately hear the excitement and dread in his voice. We couldn’t believe it was finally time. We spent so many days on the couch speaking to Jagger and counting the minutes until she was ready to join us in this world. 

Joe was home in no time. I still felt no surges and called Dr. Skeete’s office to see how to proceed. I also texted my hypnobirthing coach, Helen to let her know what was going on. Because of the fact that I had tested positive for Strep B, they advised me to go to the hospital immediately. Already my hypnobirthing plan was not going according to what I had hoped. I really wanted to stay home as long as possible because I knew that the more medical intervention there was, the more of a challenge it would be to stay in my “hypno zone”.

Against the wishes of my doctor I stayed home a few hours longer before heading to the hospital. Once I arrived the admitting nurse questioned whether my water really broke. I wasn’t testing positive for amniotic fluid. I walked for a couple of hours and after some more liquid proved what I kept insisting, my doctor decided to admit me. The catch: I would need to be induced by 6am the next morning if surges didn’t start on their own. The combination of the Strep B and the chances of infection for baby due to water breaking made it impossible to avoid. I was nervous about this. I knew the Pitocin was going to intensify the surges. All night, I tossed and turned with nurses coming in every couple of hours to check on baby and me. 6am came along and my Pitocin began.

My husband was an amazing coach. Nothing better than having your best friend at your side. He went to every single hypnobirthing session and stayed by my side. He kept time of the surges to allow me not to focus on them and reminded me to breathe and soften my shoulders. For most of the day I would fall into these hypnotic states; there were even moments where I would find myself in a childhood memory having a conversation or smiling as the next surge pulled me out of it. The surges started intensifying and getting closer together. Things were progressing well but I was starting to lose it. I was exhausted and in pain. My doctor suggested I take a shower for some pain relief. Wow! What an amazing feeling! My husband jumped in with me and it was the best feeling in the world. I shampooed my hair and had full conversations with Joe. My doctor also hoped that maybe my own body would take over once I was off the Pitocin (I couldn’t shower with the IV so the medicine had to stop). Unfortunately, my surges started getting further and further apart. So back on the Pitocin I went.

By the time I was 6cm my surges were getting so intense I started considering pain relief. I turned to my husband, and for the first time since going into labor, cried to him about how I felt like a complete failure for not being able to go through with my original intention of natural labor. He was comforting and completely supportive of my decision. After 16 hours of labor, I opted for an epidural and a couple of hours later Jagger Milena Gregory was born.

After 2 previous cesarean births, the fact that I was able to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) was incredible. I am so grateful for that experience. To be able to breathe my baby down, watch her enter this world and have her placed on my chest was the most incredible thing in the world.

Nothing went according to plan, but in the end everything turned out exactly as it was meant to. Jagger is a sweet and peaceful baby. And I know that all the preparation to have a Hypnobirth helped her experience calmness in the womb. I truly believe hypnobirthing techniques helped me throughout my pregnancy, during labor and now as I care for my baby girl.

My Blessing Way - April 25, 2015

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't been present on my blog for a bit. You can imagine it's been busy getting ready for baby. This past weekend was my Blessing Way and it was such a wonderful experience. What a blessing to have all the women that I love and admire surrounding Baby Jagger and I in a celebration of her upcoming birth. Hope you enjoy the slideshow of memories of that beautiful day. I know that my labor is going to be as calm and beautiful as can be with this group praying and cheering me on!